Friday Follies (parody): Having made mincemeat of UNC epidemiologist’s COVID-19 claims, GOP lawmakers prepare to debunk other nefarious myths and conspiracies

Friday Follies (parody): Having made mincemeat of UNC epidemiologist’s COVID-19 claims, GOP lawmakers prepare to debunk other nefarious myths and conspiracies

[Editor’s note: Yes, this is a parody column…sort of.]

In the afterglow of their dazzling takedown of a so-called infectious disease expert earlier this week regarding the true nature of the so-called “COVID-19 pandemic,” North Carolina Republican legislators are expected to soon announce plans to debunk a variety of other myths propagated by meddlesome left-wing academics masquerading as unbiased researchers.

At Wednesday’s meeting of the Joint Legislative Commission on Governmental Operations, Subcommittee on Use and Distribution on Federal COVID Funding (“As a leading UNC epidemiologist reiterates the benefits of vaccination, conservative legislators push for Ivermectin”), GOP lawmakers repeatedly skewered Professor Justin Lessler’s ideologically driven propaganda with respect to COVID-19 that “vaccination will likely remain the most effective way to prevent severe disease and hospitalization even if it doesn’t fully prevent infection.”

As Rep. Mark Brody (a one-time general contractor), Rep. Jamie Boles (a funeral home and crematorium owner) and Sen. Joyce Krawiec (the owner of commercial real estate firm) all patiently explained to Lessler, it remains a scandal that North Carolina public health officials have not pursued an aggressive initiative to make the well-known livestock dewormer, Ivermectin, the drug of choice in responding to the COVID-19 nuisance.

As Boles noted, it is a huge frustration that the state’s hospitals are not more willing to try the dewormer on COVID patients. “Families are asking for this right, and hospitals are not entertaining that,” the lawmaker observed.

Meanwhile, Lessler, a professor in the UNC Department of Epidemiology who works on the development and application of statistics, dynamic models and novel study designs to better understand and control infectious disease, with a particular interest in creating synergies between infection control practice, data collection and infectious disease dynamics, seemed stumped when Brody pressed him on whether North Carolinians should be free to rely on Ivermectin.

“I think there’s a difference between whether I think it’s okay to have the right to do something, and whether I think that’s a good idea,” Lessler lamely offered. “We in this country have the right to do a lot of things that are bad ideas,” he continued.

Wednesday’s resounding validation of conservative values in the COVID-19 debate is expected to lay the groundwork for a series of new initiatives designed to confront the “tyranny of science in policymaking” according to a memo provided to Policy Watch by a source close to Republican lawmakers and their allies in conservative think tanks and advocacy groups. These initiatives could be launched as early January, said the source, and are expected to tackle an array of topics, including:

  • The diabolically hidden purpose of the COVID-19 “vaccines” – “Unbiased analysts have repeatedly noted that the worldwide microchip shortage for new automobiles has coincided almost precisely with the global deployment of so-called COVID ‘vaccines,’” the memo states. The memo also highlights the disturbing fact that there are some deeply troubling anagrams for the word “omicron.”
  • The overarching myth of vaccination – “It’s true, we don’t see cases of smallpox and polio like we used to,” the memo allows, “but it’s been systematically ignored by the lame-stream media that polio officially disappeared in the U.S. the very same year the Rev. Franklin Graham became President of Samaritan’s Purse (1979) and that smallpox ended as a global nuisance just a year later.”
  • The “climate change” conspiracy – “As actual experts at the John Locke Foundation have noted previously, any minor temperature fluctuations experienced in global temperatures are almost certainly the result of sunspot variations,” the memo notes. “Now, in this era of profound economic challenges, is the time to revive our plan for constructing giant coal-fed boilers along the North Carolina coast to steam off excess sea water and re-nourish eroded beachfront properties with beneficial coal ash byproducts,” the memo continued.
  • The “healthy foods” in school lunches conspiracy – The memo notes “the strong likelihood that recent efforts by ‘progressive’ lawmakers and advocacy groups to impose nanny state dietary guidelines on publicly-provided school lunches of the kind previously championed by former First Lady Michelle Obama are designed to harm stalwart corporate citizens like Smithfield Foods, Nestle, ConAgra, PepsiCo, and KratfHeinz.”
  • The monstrous Commie plot of fluoridation – As the memo notes based on a citation to an important mid-20th Century U.S. military source: “Vodka, that’s what they drink…on no account will a Commie ever drink water, and not without good reason…Have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rainwater, and only pure-grain alcohol? Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation of water? Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?”

The memo is silent on whether conservatives will mount a campaign to counter longstanding liberal efforts to stymie the expansion of global mining in tin – a precious natural resource essential in the manufacture of protective headgear for those seeking to avoid the invisible and potentially debilitating microwaves emanating during prime-time hours from the national cable TV network, MSNBC.